Category Archives: Stay Positive

A positive attitude will help you accomplish your goals at any age.

Morning Laughfest

Morning LaughfestAt 6:30 this morning, I tried something new: I devoted 5 Good Minutes to reading humor. (Afraid that I would look up and find that it was time for lunch, I actually set the timer on my phone.)

My hope was that a morning laughfest would set a positive, even rollicking, tone for the day.

I turned to Winning With One-Liners which was compiled by Pat Williams.

I love one-liners, and I have written about them before, here . . . and here . . . and here . . . and here.

In his book, Williams did what I have done in my articles, he stole material from some very funny people. Here are just two examples from Winning With One-Liners . . .

    “Well, Jerry,” said his father as he glanced at his report card, “one thing that’s in your favor is that with grades like these, you couldn’t possibly be cheating.”

    “Mom, why am I the tallest kid in third grade. Is it because I’m Irish?”
    “No, it’s because you’re eighteen.”

And one more for good measure . . .

    Teacher: “What’s a supervisor?”
    Student: “It’s something that Superman wears to keep the sun out of his eyes.”

Oh, hell, one more, these things are addictive . . .

    He’s so rich that, when he flies, his wallet is considered carry-on luggage.

I’m not sure I actually laughed at any of these, but they certainly made me smile and buoyed my spirits. Mission accomplished.

Did you know that laughter has actual physical benefits? Studies have shown that it boosts your immunity, lowers stress hormones, decreases pain, relaxes muscles and even prevents heart disease. Maybe doctors should have shticks that are not tongue depressors.

There are also mental health benefits. Laughter adds joy and zest to life, eases anxiety and fear, relieves stress, improves mood and enhances resilience. Wow, I’m going to start taking two puns three times a day with meals.

And, to finish the trifecta, laughter also has social benefits. It strengthens relationships, attracts others to us, enhances teamwork, helps defuse conflict and promotes group bonding.

Having mastered the benefits of laughter, I think that tomorrow I will go after the benefits of exercise. But taking up gymnastics may be harder than I thought. I just learned that parallel bars are not two taverns across the street from each other.

Finally, A Decent Knock Knock Joke!

Everyone knows this blog is the “go to” place to find funny jokes in categories. Like these . . .

All Capital-F Funny, top-drawer stuff.

So I have a reputation to protect.

More than once, I have researched knock knock jokes, in the hope of adding an article on the 25 best knock knock jokes of all time.

The reason I have not written such an article before now is that I couldn’t find 25 great knock knock jokes.

Actually, I couldn’t find even 1 knock knock joke that made me laugh.

Until now.

Finally, I have discovered unquestionably the best knock knock joke of all time.

And here it is . . .

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Control freak. NOW YOU SAY, “CONTROL FREAK WHO?!”

The 25 Best Nerd Jokes

25 Best Nerd JokesI was torn. I didn’t know whether to only include jokes about nerds or to also have nerdy jokes that would appeal to nerds.

(I thought I had gotten over this problem. I used to be indecisive . . . now I’m not so sure.)

Anyway, here’s the totally official list of the 25 best nerd/nerdy jokes of all time.

  1. So, this SEO guru walks into a bar, bar & grill, bar and grill, tavern, pub, public house . . .

  2. A historian, an engineer and a statistician are duck hunting. A duck rises from the lake. The historian fires first and shoots 10′ over the duck. The engineer fires second and shoots 10′ under the duck. The statistician jumps up excitedly and exclaims “We got him!”

  3. A gorgeous blond woman sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

  4. A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, “Where did you get such a nice bike?”

    The second nerd replied, “Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want!’”

    The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

  5. I’ll be honest, particle accelerators totally give me a hadron.

  6. What do you call a group of nerds arguing on the Internet? The Internet.

  7. What do you get when you talk to a nerd? His lunch money.

  8. You know you are a nerd if you start tilting your head to smile : – )

  9. I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.

  10. How do you tell when a mathematician is an extravert? When he talks to your shoes instead of his own.

  11. A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are standing in front of a house. They see one man enter and two men leave.

    The physicist says, “Well there is obviously an unknown variable.” The biologist says, “The man must have multiplied.”

    The mathematician then looks at them both and says, “I don’t know how it happened but if one more person enters the house it will be empty.”

  12. A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, “Can you take me to where I can get scrod?” The driver replies, “I’ve heard that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”

  13. I used to be bad at geometry, but I turned that around 360 degrees.

  14. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

  15. Sartre walks into a coffee house and the waitress asks if he’d like a cup. Sartre says, “I’ll have a coffee with sugar but no cream.” The waitress comes back minutes later and says, “Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream, how about with no milk?”

  16. A physicist goes to an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream for himself and orders an ice cream for the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing. The man said “Well, I’m a physicist and Quantum Mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me.” The owner says ”There are a lot of single beautiful woman in here every day, so why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you. The physicist says “Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening!”

  17. Making math puns is the first sine of insanity.

  18. The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

  19. How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the peni- the ladder, THE LADDER!

  20. Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
    A: They’re cheaper than day rates.

  21. Fact: 3.14% of sailors are pi rates.

  22. Lotteries are a tax on people who suck at math.

  23. Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together.

  24. Blondie calls tech guy and says,”Help! My computer is screwing up.” Tech guy asks, “What seems to be the problem?” Blondie says, “Every time I try to type in my password, all it shows is stars!” Tech guy says “Oh, that is perfectly normal. That is for security purposes.” Blondie says, “But there’s no one else in the room.”

  25. If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

    Did you get ‘em all?

    If you have anything better, let me hear them in the comments.

Which Comes First, Success Or Happiness?

Does success make you happy, or does happiness lead to success?

Success brings happinessMany believe that once they achieve some particular goal, then they will be happy. If they put their nose to the grindstone and work hard now, they will be successful, and therefore happier, at some distant time.

However, decades of research have shown that when we are happy – that is, our mindset and mood are positive – we are smarter, more motivated and thus more successful.

In other words, happiness brings success, not the other way around.

What Is Happiness, Anyway?

Of course, happiness means different things to different people. And only you can determine what makes you happy and how happy you are.

However, generally, happiness – or “subjective well-being” as scientists often call it – is experiencing positive emotions. It is pleasure combined with deeper feelings of meaning and purpose. Happiness implies a positive mood in the present and a positive outlook for the future.

Aristotle used the term eudaimonia, which translates not directly to “happiness” but to “human flourishing.”

By whatever name, the chief ingredient of happiness is positive emotions since happiness is, above all else, a feeling.

Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., a researcher at the University of North Carolina, identifies these as the ten most common positive emotions . . .

  1. Joy
  2. Gratitude
  3. Serenity
  4. Interest
  5. Hope
  6. Pride
  7. Amusement
  8. Inspiration
  9. Awe
  10. Love

How Does Happiness Benefit You?

An analysis of over 200 scientific studies on nearly 275,000 people found that happiness leads to success in nearly every domain of our lives, including marriage, health, friendship, community involvement, creativity and work.

Maybe you are still thinking “of course people who are successful in these areas of their lives are happy. Who wouldn’t be.”

However, study after study shows that happiness precedes important outcomes and indicators of thriving. Happiness causes success and achievement, not the opposite.

Recent research shows that the positive effect of happiness is actually biological. Positive emotions flood our brains with dopamine and serotonin, chemicals that not only make us feel good, but also dial up the learning centers of our brains to higher levels.

Research also shows that you don’t have to be stupefyingly happy to get the positive advantages. Even the smallest shots of positivity can give you a competitive edge.

Positive emotions broaden our intellectual and creative capacities and they counteract physical stress and anxiety.

How To Be Happier

Since positivity is such a good thing, you may be wondering if there are things you can do to increase yours.

If you are lucky, happiness comes naturally to you. Your genetically-determined “set point” of happiness may be higher than others.

But, even if you are not genetically predisposed to be happy, you can reap the benefits of positivity if you work hard enough at it.

If the following activities are performed habitually over time, each has been shown by research to help permanently raise our happiness baseline. (Of course, since happiness is subjective and not the same for everyone, we all have our own favorite happiness booster. And “person-activity fit” is often as important as the activity itself, so if some items on this list do not work for you, don’t force it.)

These are some proven ways to lift your spirits . . .

  • Exercise. As you probably know, exercise releases pleasure-inducing chemicals called endorphins. Exercise also improves your motivation and feelings of mastery, reduces stress and anxiety and helps you get into “flow,” that locked in feeling of total engagement that we usually get when we’re at our most productive.

  • Spend money on experiences, not on stuff. Money can buy happiness, but only if used to do things as opposed to simply have things.

    While the positive feelings we get from material objects are frustratingly fleeting, spending money on experiences, especially with other people, produces positive emotions that are both more meaningful and longer lasting.

  • Find something to look forward to. Often the most enjoyable part of an activity is the anticipation. One study showed that people who thought about watching their favorite movie actually raised their endorphin levels by 27 percent.

    That’s one reason I maintain my travel bucket list.

  • Commit conscious acts of kindness. A long line of research demonstrates that acts of altruism – giving to friends and strangers alike – decrease stress and strongly contribute to enhanced mental health.

  • Infuse positivity into your surroundings. Our physical environment can have an enormous impact on our mindset and sense of well-being.

    So infuse your surroundings with positivity. Put pictures of loved ones or of treasured experiences in your work area, for example.

  • Meditate. Those who spend years meditating, such as monks, actually grow their left prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain most responsible for feeling happy.

    Short of that, daily meditating for as little as 5 minutes can bring feelings of calm and contentment, as well as heightened awareness and empathy.

    Research shows that regular meditation can permanently rewire the brain to raise levels of happiness, lower stress and even improve immune function.

  • Exercise a signature strength . Do things you are good at. Studies have shown that the more you use your signature strengths in daily life, the happier you become.

As you integrate these happiness practices into your daily life, you will start to feel better. But you’ll also start to notice how your enhanced positivity makes you more efficient, motivated and productive and how it opens up opportunities for greater achievement.

** This information is drawn from The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work which I highly recommend.

Best 25 Funny Rules For Life

According to a public opinion poll that I totally made up, these are the very best 25 funny rules for life.

Best One-Liners

  1. Always drink upstream from the herd.

  2. Be nice to people because you never know when you’ll need a character witness.

  3. It’s OK to laugh during sex, just don’t point.

  4. The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.

  5. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  6. When in doubt, mumble.

  7. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

  8. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

  9. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  10. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

  11. Don’t wear skinny jeans if you don’t have skinny genes.

  12. No smoking unless you’re on fire.

  13. The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you are swimming and when you are angry.

  14. Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

  15. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

  16. If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and sex, you don’t actually live longer, it just will seem that way.

  17. Whenever you feel worthless, remember that you were once the quickest sperm cell.

  18. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

  19. When a woman says “do whatever you want,” do not do whatever you want.

  20. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  21. Remember the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

  22. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  23. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

  24. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

  25. When nothing goes right, go left.

15 Personal Rules That Make Me Happier, Healthier And More Successful

Whether we think about them or not, we all have “rules for life.”

They are the values, beliefs and principles, even habits, that we use to negotiate life.

You should think about your personal rules for life, write them down and make sure they lead you toward your goals, not away from them.

To start you thinking about this subject, and to serve as an example, these are the rules, some specific and some general, that I try to live by to be healthier, happier and more successful . . .

Healthier

1. I go to bed by 10 p.m. and get up at 5 a.m. 7 days a week.

I am a “morning person” so I to start my day early. I want to be at my home office desk by 6:30 a.m. Knowing that I need 7 hours of sleep to feel rested, and how long breakfast and other preliminaries take, figuring out my sleep schedule was just math. “Extra” sleep doesn’t make me feel any better and it keeps me from working on my goals for my health, wealth, relationships and personal development.

2. I exercise every day.

Living the best life I am capable of requires abundant energy. In addition to getting adequate rest and eating a healthy diet, sufficient exercise is what gives me the energy I need. Four days a week, I do cardiovascular exercise, 45 minutes per session, or a total of 180 minutes of cardio each week. The other three days I lift weights for an hour.

3. I make healthy food choices almost all the time.

While exercise is necessary for good health and high energy, you cannot exercise away a bad diet. I eat mostly fruits and vegetables, whole grains, nuts, fish and occasional chicken and turkey. (I get protein from eggs, fish, avocado and nuts, and do not eat red meat often.) Anyone who does not know that fruits, vegetables, grains and fish can be as delicious as anything you have ever eaten just doesn’t know how to prepare them. Fortunately for me, my wife Kathie does. (Hint: spices are a key.) Of course, we all have foods that we love but know we should not eat. This fact motivated me to create my “21st Meal Rule.” That rule allows me one meal a week where I can eat something less healthy and not feel bad about it. My favorite splurge is pizza.

Happier

4. I look for opportunities to practice kindness and compassion.

Even if it is something as little as smiling and saying “hello” to a stranger on the street, holding a door for someone or giving a few dollars to a person who needs it more than I do, I look for opportunities to be kind and compassionate. “We’re all in this together,” and we have to help each other out.

5. I laugh often.

My favorite movies are comedies. All the buttons on my car radio are set for the satellite radio comedy stations. We go to comedy clubs regularly. I receive jokes daily from “AJokeADay.com.” I choose friends with senses of humor. I often write about humor at Forever Young Blog. I always look for the lighter side of things. I laugh at myself often.

6. I dance.

This sounds frivolous but I believe that deciding to dance more was one of the best decisions I ever made. Moving in time with the music (more or less) is a joyous thing to do, especially with someone you love. To get the benefits, you don’t even have to be a good dancer. You just have to not care that you aren’t.

7. I do not stay angry.

I would love to be able to write that I never get angry, but that would be a crock. But I try to get over anger quickly, hopefully within moments. I absolutely never make any important decisions – take any actions or say anything I could later regret – while I am angry. I never hold grudges (mainly because of what they do to me).

More Successful

8. I approach each day with enthusiasm.

And with a sense of urgency. An extraordinary life requires persistent action and extraordinary effort. But it’s worth it.

9. I plan each day at the end of the previous day and then I follow my plan.

All productive and happy people use their time wisely. Wasting your time is wasting your life, and who wants to do that? One essential component of my day is a period of uninterrupted time to work on special projects, such as writing this blog. My Thrive Time, as I call it, is from 6:30 a.m. to 9:00 a.m.

10. I start the day by reading something inspiring.

Just as exercising revs up my metabolism, reading something inspiring builds my energy. Among the things that inspire me are stories of good deeds and kindnesses. I read about them every day at such places as DailyGood.org, GoodNewsNetwork.org, and HelpOthers.org.

11. I learn something new every day.

In a rapidly changing world, you cannot stand still. You are always either moving forward of backward. You are moving toward your goals or away from them. That’s an easy choice to make.

12. I care about important issues in the world, but I do not obsess about things over which I have no control.

I focus on the things where I can have an impact. If I can’t do great things, at least I will do smaller things in a great way.

13. I refuse to live in fear.

Of failing. Of being embarrassed. Even of looking foolish. Since adopting this rule, I have accomplished things that I would not have even tried earlier. When I was afraid of making mistakes, I stayed in my warm and comfortable zone. Big mistake. Very limiting. I have actually come to believe that mistakes are “good.” They teach something. They enable us to show what we can overcome. They ultimately make us better. Here is a quote on this subject from Richard Branson that I like: “The best lessons are usually learned from failure. You musn’t beat yourself up if you fail – just pick yourself up, learn as much as you can from the experience and get on with the next challenge…The brave may not live forever, but the cautious never live at all.

14. I make offers, commitments and promises carefully and then I honor them.

I want the people in my life to know they can count on me, that I am trustworthy. Being true to your word shows respect for the other person. Of course, you can’t over-promise or you will spend your life fulfilling promises to others instead of achieving your own goals and dreams.

15. I do and create things that help people..

My goal is to contribute more to the world than I take from it. Is there really any other justification for existence? It turns out that adding value to the lives of others is not only the right thing to do, but it is also the best business strategy. As the immortal Zig Ziglar famously said: “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.”

For me, the overarching purpose of having well-chosen personal rules is to lead an extraordinary life full of experiences, contributions, creations and good times.

Since these are personal rules for life, yours will be different from mine. How about sharing some of yours in the comment section.

What Makes Me Happy: The Top 10 Things “I Can’t Imagine The World Without”

I can't imagine a world withoutEveryone wants to be happy.

Why not, happier people tend to live longer, are healthier and make more money.

So, I ask you. What makes you happy?

Do you ever think about that question? Doesn’t just thinking about it make you happy?

Alright, let’s start a happy-fest. Here’s what we are going to do . . .

We are going to complete this sentence – “I can’t imagine the world without . . .”

My inspiration for this post is my wife, the lovely and talented Kathie. We were watching a tribute band concert recently when she turned to me and said – as she had a number of times before – “I can’t imagine a world without music.”

In no particular order, here’s my list of what makes me happy, or the top 10 things I can’t imagine the world without . . .

    1. my wife. (My mama didn’t raise no fool.)

    2. the Internet.

    3. bright colors.

    4. me. ( I mean, when you think about it . . .)

    5. lobster.

    6. exercise.

    7. my iPad.

    8. humor.

    9. clear blue water and white sand beaches.

    10. dancing.

Ok, it’s your turn. Your Top 10 list doesn’t have to be in order and it doesn’t even have to include 10 things. It can be any number you want. Whatever makes you happy!

The 25 Best “Doctor Doctor” Jokes!

Forever Young people laugh as often as they can.

To get you giggling, here are the 25 Best “Doctor Doctor” Jokes Of All Time.

  1. Doctor Doctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.
    How long have you been getting these Disney spells?

  2. Doctor Doctor, help me, I’m getting shorter and shorter!
    Just wait there and be a little patient.

    The 25 Best "Doctor Doctor" Jokes

  3. Doctor Doctor, I swallowed a bone.
    Are you choking?
    No, I really did!

  4. Doctor Doctor, I keep comparing things with something else.
    Don’t worry, it’s only analogy.

  5. Doctor Doctor, I’ve swallowed my pocket money.
    Take this and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.

  6. Doctor Doctor, I keep painting myself gold.
    Don’t worry it’s just a gilt complex!

  7. Doctor Doctor, I keep seeing into the future!
    When did this start?
    Next Tuesday.

  8. Doctor Doctor, my baby has swallowed a bullet.
    Well, don’t point him at anyone until I get there!

  9. Doctor Doctor, I keep singing “Green green grass of home.” I think I have Tom Jones syndrome.
    It’s not unusual…

  10. Doctor Doctor, Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You…
    I think you may have irritable vowel syndrome.

  11. Doctor Doctor, I can’t help thinking I’m a goat.
    How long have you felt like this?
    Since I was a kid.

  12. Doctor Doctor, I’ve got amnesia.
    Just go home and try to forget about it.

  13. Doctor Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?
    I never make rash promises.

  14. Doctor Doctor, I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
    Have you seen a doctor yet?
    No, just spots.

  15. Doctor Doctor, I’ve become invisible.
    I’m afraid I can’t see you now.

  16. Doctor Doctor, I’ve lost my memory.
    When did this happen?
    When did what happen?

  17. Doctor Doctor, I’ve got acute appendicitis.
    You’ve got a cute little dimple, too.

  18. Doctor Doctor, they’ve dropped me from the Baseball team – they call me butterfingers.
    Don’t worry, what you have is not catching.

  19. Doctor Doctor, I’m really worried about my breathing.
    We’ll soon put a stop to that.

  20. Doctor Doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I’m a liar?
    I find that very hard to believe!

  21. Doctor Doctor, I feel like a sheep.
    Oh, that’s very baaaaaaaad!

  22. Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
    Pull yourselves together, man.

  23. Doctor Doctor, I’ve just swallowed a roll of film!
    Come back tomorrow and we’ll see what develops.

  24. Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams.
    The problem is, you’ve become too tents.

  25. Doctor Doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.
    Nonsense man, you can stop anytime.

    And a bonus . . .

  26. Doctor Doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?
    He’s all right now.