50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time

by Phil Santa Maria

I hope you have already read my 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

Well, according to the same study (that I made up), it turns out that there are actually 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time.

And here they are . . .

Best One-Liners

  1. How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.

  2. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

  3. I used to be indecisive. Now? I’m not so sure.

  4. Inside every senior citizen is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”

  5. Do Roman paramedics refer to I.V.s as “4’s?”

  6. “Doctor! Doctor! Help! I think I’m shrinking!” “Calm down, please. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

  7. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  8. Don’t join dangerous cults! Practice safe sects.

  9. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

  10. If you lend someone $50 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

  11. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

  12. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

  13. Boycott shampoo! Demand real poo!

  14. A conclusion is usually the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Best One-Liners

  15. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

  16. We live in a strange country. If you take off all your clothes and run down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will call the cops reporting: “There’s a naked person running around outside!”

  17. If a book about failure doesn’t sell, is it a success?

  18. There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

  19. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

  20. Two peanuts were walking in the park. One was a salted.

  21. Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

  22. “Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!” “Sit down . . . I’ll deal with you later.”

  23. Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!” “Pull yourself together.”

  24. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  25. Did you hear about the blonde that spent 20 minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate.” She also thought a quarterback was a refund.

  26. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

  27. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  28. Life is sexually transmitted.

  29. My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  30. If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?

  31. Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.

  32. Headline: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

  33. Is it a good thing if a vacuum really sucks?

  34. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

  35. Have you ever noticed that the shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.

  36. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather – peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.

  37. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  38. I’m planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  39. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

    Best One-Liners

  40. Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

  41. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

  42. They’ve discovered a food proven to reduce a woman’s sex drive y 90%. Wedding cake.

  43. I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to thrown in some cash.

  44. I used to think you were a pain in the neck, but now my opinion of you is much lower.

  45. What did Tarzan say to his wife? “Jane, it’s a jungle out there!”

  46. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

  47. Doctors are reporting that latex condoms cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

  48. Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.

  49. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

  50. “My sister is a waitress in a mental hospital.” “What does she do?” “She serves soup to nuts.”

    Still want more one-liners? Then don’t miss Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

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