Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time

If you are not worn out from laughing at The 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time and 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time, let’s charge on to the last installment of this comedic trilogy, Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

Best One-Liners
Even the President Thinks These Are The Best One-Liners Of All Time
  1. I think it’s about time I told you what people say behind your back: “Nice ass!”

  2. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  3. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

  4. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

  5. She was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg but broke it off.

  6. If I understood Morse Code, I imagine going to see tap dancing would drive me nuts.

  7. Have you ever heard of the 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% possibility you’ll get it wrong.

  8. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

  9. I let my mind wander and it never came back.

  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  11. Worry is the first time you can’t do it a second time; panic is the second time you can’t do it the first time.

  12. I went to buy some camouflage pants today, but I couldn’t find any.

  13. Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, we know it as golf.

  14. If a person told you they were a pathological liar . . . would you believe them?

  15. I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

  16. Do pilots take crash courses?

  17. Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

  18. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

  19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and threw away three weeks before you needed it.

  20. She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

  21. I’m not overweight, I’m under height.

    Best One-Liners

  22. I finally realized: I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.

  23. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  24. If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

  25. I know a guy who was so narrow-minded he could see through keyholes with both eyes.

  26. Why do mice have such tiny balls? Because so few of them can dance.

  27. What are the most common last words of a redneck? “Hey, y’all, watch this!”

  28. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  29. Like most people my age, I’m 30.

  30. You’re exactly how old I was when I was your age.

  31. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Tuesday nights – and so does she.

  32. I was reading this book today, “The History of Glue.” I couldn’t put it down.

  33. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

  34. I met my wife at a dance. It was so embarrassing! I thought she was home with the kids.

  35. My wife makes the budget work. We go without a lot of things I don’t really need.

  36. I’m not saying they are big, but in New Jersey, the mosquitos show up on radar.

  37. So, does a nude show have a dress rehearsal?

  38. A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

  39. I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

  40. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  41. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

  42. An archeologist is someone whose life is in ruins.

  43. Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

  44. According to my lawyer, a will is a dead giveaway.

  45. A calendar’s days are numbered.

  46. Am I ambivalent? Yes and no.

  47. I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.

  48. I bet you I could stop gambling.

  49. I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.

  50. I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

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