Best Puns Of All Time!

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Best Puns Of All TimeHere they are. The best 25 puns of all time!

Who says so? Well, just me so far but I’m sure many readers will agree with me.

First, though, we have to get something straight. No puns, even the very best, produce raucous laughter. That’s impossible. What we’re shooting for here is a smile, a groan or perhaps a “that’s cute.”

Without further ado, I give you the top 25 26 puns in the whole world ever.

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    Not bad so far, huh?

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    Kinda going downhill, aren’t they?

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    Now for the big finish . . .

    26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Oh, yea. Well, if you think you can do better, take it to the comment section.

If you liked these, you will love More Best Puns Of All Time!

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Harvey Metcalfe June 14, 2011 at 10:12 am

She was only the stableman’s daughter but all the horsemen knew her.

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Jessica Waters September 8, 2012 at 5:38 am

BOO!!!!!

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Travis Minikus November 30, 2011 at 11:55 am

I was trying to find a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon

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Phil Santa Maria November 30, 2011 at 11:58 am

Thanks, Travis. I love it.

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Jessica Waters September 8, 2012 at 5:26 am

A chemistry joke? I’ll try to zinc of one.

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edwaed call January 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Lettuce seas this opportunity for peas on earth.

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luke walker May 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm

classic

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Royce Williams June 2, 2012 at 6:07 pm

A chinese dumpling was weighed and found wonton.

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artmc June 19, 2012 at 3:36 pm

A group of short computer experts were threatening to release a virus that would cause havoc everywhere. To disguise themselves, they where elevator shoes, leading police to issue a warning: Beware of Geeks Wearing Lifts!

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Ellie July 4, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Two peanuts were walking in a tough part of the neighborhood. One got a-salted.

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Rye123 July 10, 2012 at 8:21 am

Menstruation jokes aren’t funny, period.

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William August 25, 2012 at 1:27 am

What do you get if you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed!

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artmc August 27, 2012 at 10:06 am

Someone stole the toilets from the local police station. Asked if they had any clues as to who took them, the police sergeant replied “that at this point we have nothing to go on.”

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Jessica Waters September 8, 2012 at 5:29 am

I was going to tell a joke about pencils, but it’s pointless.

There’s a man who got his whole left side cut off, but don’t worry he’s all right now.

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HAHA September 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm

You can tune a piano and a guitar… but you can’t tunafish!

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Todd Purcell September 10, 2012 at 2:54 am

- Two cheeseburgers went into a bar. the bartender yelled, “Get out! We don’t serve food here!”

- Two pieces of rope go into a bar. The bartender yelled, ” Get out! we don’t serve rope here. The two pieces of rope left, went into the back alley and beat themselves against the wall until they were all frayed and then tied themselves together in a knot. They went back in the bar and the bartender screeched, ” Aren’t you the same pieces I just threw out of here!?” They replied,” No, we’re a frayed knot.”

A dog goes into a saloon in the old west and orders a beer. The bartender says, get out! We don’t serve dogs here and then pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the foot. The dog limps out. A few days later the dog returns, dressed completely in black, black hat, black shirt, black pants, even a black bandage on his foot and six guns at his side. A hush comes over the crowd, the music stops, and in a gruff voice The dog speaks up and says,” I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

And finally, one more quick pun I like to call a grenade joke in that you just have to toss it out and wait until it sinks in and people explode in laughter:

A baby seal walks into a club…

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rich bieneman September 21, 2012 at 10:44 pm

did you hear about the clock factory that burned down ? all the neighbors got second hand smoke ;)

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Shortest Joke Ever October 5, 2012 at 2:07 am

A guy walks into a bar and says, “Ow.”

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