Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

Hilarious Facebook Status Updates
Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

These are actual Facebook status updates. The names have been changed to protect the clever. “Bob” represents a male poster and “Mary” represents a female poster.

  • Bob . . . feels like getting some work done…and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
  • Mary . . . used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
  • Bob . . . is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while…
  • Mary . . . dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
  • Bob . . . says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • Mary . . . is cle’a]ni.ng he’r ke]yb29oa;rd.
  • Mary . . . is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
  • Bob . . . doesn’t suffer from insanity… he enjoys every minute of it.
  • Bob . . . is wondering where Noah kept woodpeckers on his ark.
  • Mary . . . thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”
  • Bob . . . Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
  • Mary . . . Be nice to nerds, chances are you will be working for them.
  • Mary . . . is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf’s a minute.
  • Bob . . . just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
  • Mary . . . would rather check her Facebook than face her checkbook.
  • Bob . . . believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
  • Mary . . . ¡ ɯıʇ ɯɐs ɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooq ɔɐɟ sn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ.
  • Bob . . . Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy.”
  • Bob . . . People reckon I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).
  • Mary . . . Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
  • Mary . . . It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.
  • Mary . . . went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
  • Mary . . . What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?… Next week.
  • Bob . . . Hi, my name is Bomimeb. The ‘mime’ is silent.
  • Mary . . . got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she’s been diagnosed with OCD. She’s rung the doctors nine times to check if they’re correct.
  • Bob . . . reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn’t work. If it did, women wouldn’t have any fingerprints.
  • Bob . . . Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
  • Mary . . . People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.
  • Bob . . . Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
  • Mary . . . Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
  • Bob . . . I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you… the more you have the longer you live.
  • Mary . . . I just read a list of ‘the 100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them…
  • Bob . . . I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
  • Mary . . . TEIAM – problem solved
  • Bob . . . never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.
  • Bob . . .  scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
  • Mary . . . Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn’t surprising really, since it isn’t my birthday.
  • Bob . . . ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington
  • Bob . . . Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!
  • Mary . . . Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!
  • Bob . . . Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  • Mary . . . I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
  • Bob . . . Don’t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn’t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
  • Mary . . . 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Hell, 72% of people know that!
  • Bob . . . Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
  • Mary . . . status under construction ██████████████] 99%.
  • Bob . . . Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
  • Bob . . . believes that the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it.
  • Mary . . . I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
  • Bob . . . You know your job is shit when the parking meter outside where you work makes more per hour than you do.
  • Mary . . . I hated it when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said “you are next”. They stopped that when I did began to do the same to them after funerals.
  • Bob . . . I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Mary . . . Invented Al Gore.
  • Bob . . . ¿ ʍ ɹɐ p u ןןɐɥɔ- ן oo ˙˙˙ʇx ʇ uʍop pısdn ʎq ɹɐ ןdo d p ss ɹdɯı ʍoɥ ʎuunɟ s,ʇı sʞuıɥʇ.
  • Mary . . . Just bought a new wardrobe from focus, looked at the box and was surprised to find it said ” Self Assembly “….. I’ve been sitting here now for three fu*k*ng hours and yet it still hasn’t put itself together.
  • Bob . . . Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
  • Mary . . . ʎɐq uo pɹɐoqʎ ʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ɯıʇ ʇsɐן ɥʇ sı sıɥʇ.
  • Mary . . . a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
  • Bob . . . Bought a new stick of deodorant today. Instructions said: “Remove cap and push up bottom” … I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
  • Mary. . . Is beating her current record for number of consecutive days alive.
  • Bob . . . Just changed the name of my iPod to “the titanic” so whenever i plug it in to my computer it says “the titanic is syncing.”
  • Mary . . . Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
  • Bob . . . Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.”

These were culled from this Hubpages article.

3 thoughts on “Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

  1. thought you may find these humorous

    what did one jack o landern say to the other?
    cut it out
    what is a pumpkins favority sport? squash

    how do you repair a broken jack-o-lantern?
    buy a pumpkin patch
    what is the ratio of a pumpkins circumference to it’s diameter?
    Pumpkin Pi
    tata for now Kathi

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