One of the best ways to stay positive, and be happier and even healthier, is to laugh — hard and often.
To get your started here are the 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time according to a study that I just made up for the purpose of this post.
1. I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance. She pushed me over!
2. My inferiority complex isn’t as good as yours.
3. One morning my girlfriend asked me if I had slept well and I said no, I’d made a few mistakes.
4. “Doctor! Doctor! Sometimes I think I’m a tepee and some days I think I’m a wigwam!” “Relax. You’re two tents.”
5. If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
6. A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?”
7. My doctor told me I’m fat and I said I wanted a second opinion. Okay, he said, you’re ugly, too.
8. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom equipment. The chief was quoted as saying, “Unfortunately, we have nothing to go on.”
9. If the police arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
10. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you wake up in the morning and it doesn’t stop until you get to the office.
11. My friend has kleptomania but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
12. Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
15. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last month, she bought 2 dresses and an escalator.
16. My wife was at the beauty salon for two hours . . . and that was just for the estimate
17. Middle age is when you’re faced with all kinds of temptations and you choose the one that gets you home by nine.
18. Middle age is when you can’t turn your television off or your wife on.
19. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
21. I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
22. Women’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
23. I went to my high school reunion, but my friends were so old and wrinkled they didn’t even recognize me.
24. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?
25. I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.
26. It was so cold last winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
27. Never play strip poker with a nudist; they have nothing to lose.
28. I’m not saying I’m old, but my social security number is 4!
29. Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.
30. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some nice food. She goes on Tuesdays and I go Fridays.
31. When your gecko is broken, you have a reptile dysfunction.
32. Men marry women in the hope they won’t change. Women marry men in the hope they will change. Both are doomed to disappointment.
33. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
34. You know you’re having a bad day when your twin forgets your birthday.
35. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
36. My church welcomes all denominations: tens, twenties, fifties . . .
37. Some late-breaking election news! With six cemeteries still to be heard from, the election is too close to call.
38. To all virgins: thanks for nothing.
39. These days, the four basic food groups are: fresh, frozen, fast and junk.
40. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.” “Are you sure?” “Have I ever lied to you before?”
41. My mechanic told me he couldn’t repair my brakes, so we made my horn louder.
42. A dog has a master. A cat has a staff.
43. I’m a self-made man. I began with nothing and still have most of it.
44. I’m not a well person. Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
45. Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforseen events.
46. She must be older than she admits. She has a recipe for curds and whey.
47. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”
48. I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones I’ve been getting lately.
49. Forget health food. I’m at the age when I need all the preservatives I can get.
50. My wife is such a bad cook that when we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.