Tag Archives: advice for life

Best 25 Funny Rules For Life

According to a public opinion poll that I totally made up, these are the very best 25 funny rules for life.

Best One-Liners

  1. Always drink upstream from the herd.

  2. Be nice to people because you never know when you’ll need a character witness.

  3. It’s OK to laugh during sex, just don’t point.

  4. The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.

  5. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  6. When in doubt, mumble.

  7. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

  8. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

  9. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  10. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

  11. Don’t wear skinny jeans if you don’t have skinny genes.

  12. No smoking unless you’re on fire.

  13. The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you are swimming and when you are angry.

  14. Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested. Everything you say can and will be used against you.

  15. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

  16. If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and sex, you don’t actually live longer, it just will seem that way.

  17. Whenever you feel worthless, remember that you were once the quickest sperm cell.

  18. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

  19. When a woman says “do whatever you want,” do not do whatever you want.

  20. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  21. Remember the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

  22. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  23. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

  24. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

  25. When nothing goes right, go left.