Better yet, just laugh about it. You know, get the last laugh.
To get you started, here are the best elderly senior citizen jokes of all time. I call them elderly senior citizen jokes because some of the jokes themselves are at least retirement age. But they still make me laugh.
I want to thank my old friend, Alan, whom I haven’t known long, for helping me collect these jokes.
Sorry if I’ve told you these before. My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art… It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful.”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
At that age himself, legendary comedian Red Buttons explained that 80 is not “old.” According to Red . . .
- “Old” is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
“Old” is when the porn you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
“Old” is when your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
“Old” is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
“Old” is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
“Old” is when your wife says “let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have? A suppository?”
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
“My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.”
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour the coffee.”
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.:
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy. I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.”
“Well, it’s not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so you won’t to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down,” she says.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, “Was I getting in the tub or out?”
“You dern fool,” said the 94 year old. “I’ll come up and see.” When she got half way up the stairs she paused. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, “I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She shook her head and called out, “I’ll be up to help you both as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, “You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don’t get mad, but for the life of me, I can’t remember your name. Please tell me what it is.”
Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
A woman in her 70s was driving with a friend.
She went through a red light. The friend didn’t say anything.
But then she went through another one. The friend said, “Do you realize you just went through two red lights?”
“Oh,” she said, “was I driving?”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
Times change . . .
- 1972: Long hair
2012: Longing for hair
1972: Acid rock
2012: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it’s cool
2012: Moving to California because it’s warm
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2012: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
1972: Killer weed
2012: Weed Killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2012: Hoping for a BM
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2012: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2012: Kidney Stones
Now that I’m “older,” I’ll share some things I’ve discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded. . .
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few . . .
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It’s not hard to meet expenses. . . they’re everywhere.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
About aging . . .
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
“Old” Is When…
- . . . You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
. . . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
. . . “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
. . . “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
. . . An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
Know the best thing about being 104?
No peer pressure.