Tag Archives: humor

Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time

If you are not worn out from laughing at The 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time and 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time, let’s charge on to the last installment of this comedic trilogy, Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

Best One-Liners
Even the President Thinks These Are The Best One-Liners Of All Time
  1. I think it’s about time I told you what people say behind your back: “Nice ass!”

  2. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  3. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

  4. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

  5. She was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg but broke it off.

  6. If I understood Morse Code, I imagine going to see tap dancing would drive me nuts.

  7. Have you ever heard of the 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% possibility you’ll get it wrong.

  8. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

  9. I let my mind wander and it never came back.

  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  11. Worry is the first time you can’t do it a second time; panic is the second time you can’t do it the first time.

  12. I went to buy some camouflage pants today, but I couldn’t find any.

  13. Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, we know it as golf.

  14. If a person told you they were a pathological liar . . . would you believe them?

  15. I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

  16. Do pilots take crash courses?

  17. Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

  18. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

  19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and threw away three weeks before you needed it.

  20. She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

  21. I’m not overweight, I’m under height.

    Best One-Liners

  22. I finally realized: I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.

  23. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  24. If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

  25. I know a guy who was so narrow-minded he could see through keyholes with both eyes.

  26. Why do mice have such tiny balls? Because so few of them can dance.

  27. What are the most common last words of a redneck? “Hey, y’all, watch this!”

  28. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  29. Like most people my age, I’m 30.

  30. You’re exactly how old I was when I was your age.

  31. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Tuesday nights – and so does she.

  32. I was reading this book today, “The History of Glue.” I couldn’t put it down.

  33. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

  34. I met my wife at a dance. It was so embarrassing! I thought she was home with the kids.

  35. My wife makes the budget work. We go without a lot of things I don’t really need.

  36. I’m not saying they are big, but in New Jersey, the mosquitos show up on radar.

  37. So, does a nude show have a dress rehearsal?

  38. A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

  39. I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

  40. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  41. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

  42. An archeologist is someone whose life is in ruins.

  43. Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

  44. According to my lawyer, a will is a dead giveaway.

  45. A calendar’s days are numbered.

  46. Am I ambivalent? Yes and no.

  47. I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.

  48. I bet you I could stop gambling.

  49. I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.

  50. I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time

I hope you have already read my 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

Well, according to the same study (that I made up), it turns out that there are actually 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time.

And here they are . . .

Best One-Liners

  1. How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.

  2. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

  3. I used to be indecisive. Now? I’m not so sure.

  4. Inside every senior citizen is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”

  5. Do Roman paramedics refer to I.V.s as “4’s?”

  6. “Doctor! Doctor! Help! I think I’m shrinking!” “Calm down, please. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

  7. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  8. Don’t join dangerous cults! Practice safe sects.

  9. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

  10. If you lend someone $50 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

  11. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

  12. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

  13. Boycott shampoo! Demand real poo!

  14. A conclusion is usually the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Best One-Liners

  15. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

  16. We live in a strange country. If you take off all your clothes and run down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will call the cops reporting: “There’s a naked person running around outside!”

  17. If a book about failure doesn’t sell, is it a success?

  18. There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

  19. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

  20. Two peanuts were walking in the park. One was a salted.

  21. Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

  22. “Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!” “Sit down . . . I’ll deal with you later.”

  23. Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!” “Pull yourself together.”

  24. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  25. Did you hear about the blonde that spent 20 minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate.” She also thought a quarterback was a refund.

  26. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

  27. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  28. Life is sexually transmitted.

  29. My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  30. If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?

  31. Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.

  32. Headline: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

  33. Is it a good thing if a vacuum really sucks?

  34. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

  35. Have you ever noticed that the shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.

  36. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather – peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.

  37. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  38. I’m planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  39. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

    Best One-Liners

  40. Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

  41. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

  42. They’ve discovered a food proven to reduce a woman’s sex drive y 90%. Wedding cake.

  43. I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to thrown in some cash.

  44. I used to think you were a pain in the neck, but now my opinion of you is much lower.

  45. What did Tarzan say to his wife? “Jane, it’s a jungle out there!”

  46. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

  47. Doctors are reporting that latex condoms cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

  48. Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.

  49. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

  50. “My sister is a waitress in a mental hospital.” “What does she do?” “She serves soup to nuts.”

    Still want more one-liners? Then don’t miss Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

The 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time

One of the best ways to stay positive, and be happier and even healthier, is to laugh — hard and often.

To get your started here are the 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time according to a study that I just made up for the purpose of this post.

Best One-Liners1. I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance. She pushed me over!

2. My inferiority complex isn’t as good as yours.

3. One morning my girlfriend asked me if I had slept well and I said no, I’d made a few mistakes.

4. “Doctor! Doctor! Sometimes I think I’m a tepee and some days I think I’m a wigwam!” “Relax. You’re two tents.”

5. If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

6. A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?”

7. My doctor told me I’m fat and I said I wanted a second opinion. Okay, he said, you’re ugly, too.

8. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom equipment. The chief was quoted as saying, “Unfortunately, we have nothing to go on.”

9. If the police arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

10. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you wake up in the morning and it doesn’t stop until you get to the office.

11. My friend has kleptomania but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

12. Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

15. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last month, she bought 2 dresses and an escalator.

16. My wife was at the beauty salon for two hours . . . and that was just for the estimate

17. Middle age is when you’re faced with all kinds of temptations and you choose the one that gets you home by nine.

18. Middle age is when you can’t turn your television off or your wife on.

19. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Best One-Liners
20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

21. I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

22. Women’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

23. I went to my high school reunion, but my friends were so old and wrinkled they didn’t even recognize me.

24. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?

25. I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

26. It was so cold last winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

27. Never play strip poker with a nudist; they have nothing to lose.

28. I’m not saying I’m old, but my social security number is 4!

29. Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.

30. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some nice food. She goes on Tuesdays and I go Fridays.

31. When your gecko is broken, you have a reptile dysfunction.

32. Men marry women in the hope they won’t change. Women marry men in the hope they will change. Both are doomed to disappointment.

33. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

34. You know you’re having a bad day when your twin forgets your birthday.

35. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

36. My church welcomes all denominations: tens, twenties, fifties . . .

37. Some late-breaking election news! With six cemeteries still to be heard from, the election is too close to call.

38. To all virgins: thanks for nothing.

39. These days, the four basic food groups are: fresh, frozen, fast and junk.

40. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.” “Are you sure?” “Have I ever lied to you before?”

41. My mechanic told me he couldn’t repair my brakes, so we made my horn louder.

42. A dog has a master. A cat has a staff.

43. I’m a self-made man. I began with nothing and still have most of it.

44. I’m not a well person. Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

45. Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforseen events.

46. She must be older than she admits. She has a recipe for curds and whey.

47. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

48. I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones I’ve been getting lately.

49. Forget health food. I’m at the age when I need all the preservatives I can get.

50. My wife is such a bad cook that when we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

If you are in the mood for more one-liners, check out 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time and Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

More Best Puns Of All Time!

More Best Puns Of All TimeI hope you have already read my Best Puns Of All Time!

Now, for your viewing pleasure, I bring you MORE Best Puns of All Time!

Oh, in case you are wondering. These are all “G” rated. There is no punography here!

    1. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

    2. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    3. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    4. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

    5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

    6. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    7. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

    8. Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

    9. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    10. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

    11. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    12. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    13. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    14. All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

    15. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    16. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    17. Velcro – what a rip off!

    18. Earthquake in Washington is obviously government’s fault.

    19. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

    20. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

    21. I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

    22. When chemists die, they barium.

    23. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    24. Broken pencils are pointless.

    25. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The Top 25 “Confucius Say . . .” Jokes

‘Confucius Say . . .’ jokes are clever one liners that have everything to do with fun but virtually nothing to do with the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius (often misspelled “Confucious”).

Best Confucius Say JokesIf there is any connection, it is that Conficius’ teachings tended to be in the form of short sayings, often no more than a sentence, which frequently had multiple meanings or interpretations.

Confucius Say jokes are a variation on Confucius’ style of teaching, except that the philosophy is replaced with humor, often sexual double entendre.

If you enjoy witty R-Rated word-play, read on.

    1. Confucius say . . .
    A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y’all.

    2. Confucius say . . .
    A Greek tampon is called “Abzorba the Leak.”

    3. Confucius say . . .
    Some Sex Is Good…More Is Better…Too Much Is Just About Right.

    4. Confucius say . . .
    A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.

    5. Confucius say . . .
    ArtifIcial Insemination is procreation without recreation.

    6. Confucius say . . .
    A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

    7. Confucius say . . .
    A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.

    8. Confucius say . . ..
    A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.

    9. Confucius say . . .
    The definition of a true genius is a nudist with a memory for faces.

    10. Confucius say . . .
    Butcher who back into meat-grinder get a little behind in his orders.

    11. Confucius say . . .
    Amish woman’s secret fantasy is two Mennonite.

    12. Confucius say . . ..
    Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.

    13. Confucius say . . .
    An Impotent Loser is one who can’t even get his hopes up.

    14. Confucius say…
    He who crosses the ocean twice without bathing is a dirty double crosser.

    15. Confucius say…
    Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

    16. Confucius say…
    Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

    17. Confucius say…
    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

    18. Confucius say . . .
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…after a mediocre summer.

    19. Confucius say . . .
    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    20. Confucius Say…
    The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.

    21. Confucius say . . .
    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

    22. Confucius say . . .
    12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.

    23. Confucius say . . .
    The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.

    24. Confucius say . . .
    The useless skin around a penis is called “a man.”

    25. Confucius say . . .
    Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

The Top 25 “What Do You Get” Jokes!

"What Do You Get" Jokes“What do you get” jokes are kissing cousins of puns. Clever word play.

These are the 25 top “What do you get” jokes of all time. Says me.

(Be sure to read all the way to the end. There is a gem waiting there for you.)

  1. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a skin doctor?
    A pachydermatoloigst.

  2. What do you get if you cross a labrador dog with a tortoise?
    You get an animal that goes to the news stand and comes back with last week’s newspaper.

  3. What do you get if you cross a hen with some gunpowder?
    An eggsplosion.

  4. What do you get if you cross a giant ape with a prisoner?
    King Kongvict.

  5. What do you get if you cross a famous Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic?
    Toot and Car Man.

  6. What do you get if you cross a chicken with a skunk?
    A fowl smell.

  7. What do you get if you cross an Indian with a cow?
    Geronimoo.

  8. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
    Polaroids.

  9. What do you get if you cross a dog with a chicken?
    A hen that lays pooched eggs.

  10. What do you get if you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?
    A rash of good luck.

  11. What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.

  12. What do you get if you cross a godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can’t understand.

  13. What do you get if you cross a cat with a lemon?
    A sourpuss.

  14. What do you get if you cross a chicken and a bell?
    An alarm cluck.

  15. What do you get if you cross a dog and a cantaloupe?
    A melon-collie baby.

  16. What do you get if you cross an Eskimo with a pig?
    A polar boar.

  17. What do you get if you cross an owl with a goat?
    A hootenanny.

  18. What do you get if you cross a stream and a brook?
    Wet feet.

  19. What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
    Bamboo.

  20. What do you get if you cross a student and an alien?
    Something from another universe–ity.

  21. What do you get if you cross a flea with a rabbit?
    Bugs Bunny.

  22. What do you get if a dinosaur has a car accident?
    Tyrannosarus wrecks.

  23. What do you get if you cross an artist with a policeman?
    A brush with the law.

  24. What do you get if you cross a hummingbird with a doorbell?
    A humdinger.

    And I’ve saved the best for last.

  25. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
    Elephino.

If you enjoyed these, you will also like The Best Puns Of All Time and The 25 Best “What Do You Call” Jokes.

The 25 Best “What Do You Call” Jokes!

What Do You Call JokesYou know those jokes that start “What do you call . . .” and usually end with a groan.

Well, I have scoured the universe and discovered the 25 best “What Do You Call . . .” jokes in the whole world.

So, without further ado, I give you the answer to the question “What do you call a really lame idea for a blog post?”

  1. What do you call a cow that’s just had a baby?
    Decalfinated.

  2. What do you call an exploding ape?
    A baboom.

  3. What do you call a snake who is employed by the government?
    A civil serpent.

  4. What do you call a hippy’s wife?
    Mississippi.

  5. What do you call bears without ears?
    B.

  6. What do you call the shortest distance between 2 jokes?
    A straight line.

  7. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
    A Doyouthinkhesawus.

  8. What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after taking a bath?
    Polly unsaturated.

  9. What do you call a cat who ate a duck?
    A duck-filled-fatty-puss.

  10. What do you call a cat that tells jokes?
    A witty kitty.

  11. What do you call a person who draws amusing pictures of motor vehicles?
    A car-toonist.

  12. What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
    An alarm cluck.

  13. What do you call a lady magician?
    Trixie.

  14. What do you call a crazy spaceman?
    An astronut.

  15. What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.

  16. What do you call a veterinary surgeon with laryngitis?
    A hoarse doctor.

  17. What do you call a snake that becomes a Canadian law officer?
    Mountie Python.

  18. What do you call a rabbit who is really cool?
    A hip hopper.

  19. What do you call a butterfingered nurse?
    A medicine dropper.

  20. What do you call a fake noodle?
    An Impasta.

  21. What do you call the best butter on the farm?
    A goat.

  22. What do you call a song sung in a car?
    A car-tune.

  23. What do you call something lying at the bottom of the ocean and twitching?
    A nervous wreck.

  24. What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball?
    Juan on Juan.

  25. What do you call a camel with no humps?
    Humphrey.

If these haven’t worn you out, be sure to check out my list of the 25 Best Puns Of All Time! And take a look at The Top 25 “What Do You Get . . .” Jokes!

How To Tell A Joke: Part II

This is the list of rules for telling a joke that I promised you in my last post.

Who Will Benefit From These Joke Telling Tips?

I can't help you become the next SeinfeldIf you want to be the next Seinfeld, I cannot help you. But if you just want to be able to tell a decent joke to friends, co-workers or family members or want to add some humor to professional presentations to spice them up a little, read on . . .

5 Steps To Funny

Step 1: Get A Joke To Tell

You start with good material. Duh!

There are books of jokes and the Internet is full of jokes. Just do a search for “jokes about [whatever you want]” or “[whatever subject you want] jokes.”

If you hear a good joke, be sure to capture it as soon as you can, while you still remember it. Write it down, or record it on a tape recorder or on your smartphone. If you don’t have any other way to preserve it, call yourself and record the joke on your voice mail. That will both preserve the joke and give you your first experience telling it.

Step 2: Save Your Joke

If you are interested in joke telling, you should keep a folder of jokes. It can be a physical folder where you place written jokes, funny cartoons and the like, or it can be a computer file.

Try to keep your jokes organized by subject so you can find them later.

Step 3: Understand The Structure Of A Joke And What Makes It Funny

Good joke telling requires an understanding of the joke’s parts and what about it makes the joke funny.

The most basic joke form is a setup followed by a punch line.

The setup contains all the information necessary to prepare your audience for the laugh. By itself, the setup isn’t funny. It just sets the stage. For example . . .

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!”

The punch line is the funny part. It’s funny because it surprises the audience. It doesn’t follow from the setup. The punch line is unfair or ridiculous or absurd or opposite to the way things ought to be. That’s why it is funny. Here’s the end of the joke I just started . . .

The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Step 4: Rehearse

Do you think that professional comedians perform a joke without practicing it in advance? Of course not. And neither should you.

Here are the 3 reasons why you should rehearse.

First, to make sure you know your joke so well that you won’t forget it. It’s like singing a song. You have to know the words.

Second, to practice such things as where to pause, where to speed up and when to speak more loudly or softly.

Third, to improve your joke. Usually, this means shortening it. A joke that is too long, with unnecessary details, isn’t funny. It’s annoying. Make your joke shorter and tighter with only enough information in the setup to have the punch line make sense.

You can practice into a tape recorder, in front of a mirror or by telling your joke to a willing friend.

Step 5: Follow These Delivery Tips

If you have a good joke and you’ve practiced, you’ll do fine. But here are a few joke telling dos and don’ts that will guarantee your success.

  1. DO figure out the best time to tell your joke. If you’re at a social gathering, see if you can fit it into the conversation naturally. It’s very effective if your audience does not even know you’re telling a joke until you hit them with the punch line. If you can’t fit the joke into the flow of the conversation, wait for a lull in the conversation to begin.

  2. DON’T announce in advance that “this is the funniest joke” or anything like that. Let the joke speak for itself.

  3. DON’T do accents unless you are really good at them. Bad accents make you the joke.

  4. DO make eye contact with your audience.

  5. DO get to the point, but don’t rush.

  6. DO commit to your joke and deliver it with verve and panache (as soon as you figure out what that means). You’ve practiced. You’re prepared. Hit the punch line hard. There’s a reason the term includes “punch.”