These are actual Facebook status updates. The names have been changed to protect the clever. “Bob” represents a male poster and “Mary” represents a female poster.
Bob . . . feels like getting some work done…and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
Mary . . . used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Bob . . . is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while…
Mary . . . dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Bob . . . says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Mary . . . is cle’a]ni.ng he’r ke]yb29oa;rd.
Mary . . . is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Bob . . . doesn’t suffer from insanity… he enjoys every minute of it.
Bob . . . is wondering where Noah kept woodpeckers on his ark.
Mary . . . thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”
Bob . . . Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
Mary . . . Be nice to nerds, chances are you will be working for them.
Mary . . . is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf’s a minute.
Bob . . . just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
Mary . . . would rather check her Facebook than face her checkbook.
Bob . . . believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
Mary . . . ¡ ɯıʇ ɯɐs ɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooq ɔɐɟ sn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ.
Bob . . . Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy.”
Bob . . . People reckon I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).
Mary . . . Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Mary . . . It recently became apparent to me that the letters ‘T’ and ‘G’ are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I’ll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase “Regards” ever again.
Mary . . . went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
Mary . . . What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?… Next week.
Bob . . . Hi, my name is Bomimeb. The ‘mime’ is silent.
Mary . . . got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she’s been diagnosed with OCD. She’s rung the doctors nine times to check if they’re correct.
Bob . . . reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn’t work. If it did, women wouldn’t have any fingerprints.
Bob . . . Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Mary . . . People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.
Bob . . . Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Mary . . . Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
Bob . . . I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you… the more you have the longer you live.
Mary . . . I just read a list of ‘the 100 things to do before you die’. I’m pretty surprised ‘yell for help’ wasn’t one of them…
Bob . . . I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
Mary . . . TEIAM – problem solved
Bob . . . never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.
Bob . . . scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
Mary . . . Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn’t surprising really, since it isn’t my birthday.
Bob . . . ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington
Bob . . . Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!
Mary . . . Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!
Bob . . . Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Mary . . . I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Bob . . . Don’t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn’t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Mary . . . 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Hell, 72% of people know that!
Bob . . . Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Mary . . . status under construction ██████████████] 99%.
Bob . . . Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Bob . . . believes that the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it.
Mary . . . I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
Bob . . . You know your job is shit when the parking meter outside where you work makes more per hour than you do.
Mary . . . I hated it when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said “you are next”. They stopped that when I did began to do the same to them after funerals.
Bob . . . I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Mary . . . Invented Al Gore.
Bob . . . ¿ ʍ ɹɐ p u ןןɐɥɔ- ן oo ˙˙˙ʇx ʇ uʍop pısdn ʎq ɹɐ ןdo d p ss ɹdɯı ʍoɥ ʎuunɟ s,ʇı sʞuıɥʇ.
Mary . . . Just bought a new wardrobe from focus, looked at the box and was surprised to find it said ” Self Assembly “….. I’ve been sitting here now for three fu*k*ng hours and yet it still hasn’t put itself together.
Bob . . . Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
Maybe you have heard this one-liner – “My wife always laughs during sex — no matter what she’s reading!”
Well, we may have to update that joke in light of a telephone survey conducted by Harris Interactive in August, 2010.
Reportedly, the study found that almost 25% thought it was perfectly acceptable to remain “plugged in” during sex. (This article almost writes itself!)
(Actually, although widely reported, there was no reference to that finding in the press release announcing the poll results. So I don’t know whether it’s legitimate or not. I am 100% certain, however, that it’s funny.)
There is also no doubt that the poll found a growing desire to be “plugged in,” or connected, all the time no matter what the occasion. For example, many Americans believe it is acceptable to be “plugged in” . . .
while honeymooning (29%)
during a wedding (6%)
during a religious service (8%)
during dinner at home with family and friends (41%)
during dinner at a fancy restaurant (26%)
This need for connection reached its apex when this couple interrupted their wedding ceremony to go online and change their relationship status on Facebook.
Traveling is one of the best ways to have fun and stay positive, not to mention learn things. Perhaps you can include this airline in your travel plans.
Kulula, South Africa’s budge airline, has a wicked sense of humor.
Kulula attendants certainly make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements entertaining. Here are some real examples . . .
“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker said “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
“Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
The airline has a policy which requires the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exit, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” After a particularly bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”