(I thought I had gotten over this problem. I used to be indecisive . . . now I’m not so sure.)
Anyway, here’s the totally official list of the 25 best nerd/nerdy jokes of all time.
- So, this SEO guru walks into a bar, bar & grill, bar and grill, tavern, pub, public house . . .
- A historian, an engineer and a statistician are duck hunting. A duck rises from the lake. The historian fires first and shoots 10′ over the duck. The engineer fires second and shoots 10′ under the duck. The statistician jumps up excitedly and exclaims “We got him!”
- A gorgeous blond woman sits down at a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
- A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, “Where did you get such a nice bike?”
The second nerd replied, “Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want!’”
The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
- I’ll be honest, particle accelerators totally give me a hadron.
- What do you call a group of nerds arguing on the Internet? The Internet.
- What do you get when you talk to a nerd? His lunch money.
- You know you are a nerd if you start tilting your head to smile : – )
- I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
- How do you tell when a mathematician is an extravert? When he talks to your shoes instead of his own.
- A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are standing in front of a house. They see one man enter and two men leave.
The physicist says, “Well there is obviously an unknown variable.” The biologist says, “The man must have multiplied.”
The mathematician then looks at them both and says, “I don’t know how it happened but if one more person enters the house it will be empty.”
- A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he’d long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, “Can you take me to where I can get scrod?” The driver replies, “I’ve heard that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”
- I used to be bad at geometry, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
- If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
- Sartre walks into a coffee house and the waitress asks if he’d like a cup. Sartre says, “I’ll have a coffee with sugar but no cream.” The waitress comes back minutes later and says, “Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream, how about with no milk?”
- A physicist goes to an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream for himself and orders an ice cream for the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing. The man said “Well, I’m a physicist and Quantum Mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me.” The owner says ”There are a lot of single beautiful woman in here every day, so why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you. The physicist says “Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening!”
- Making math puns is the first sine of insanity.
- The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.
- How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the peni- the ladder, THE LADDER!
- Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They’re cheaper than day rates.
- Fact: 3.14% of sailors are pi rates.
- Lotteries are a tax on people who suck at math.
- Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together.
- Blondie calls tech guy and says,”Help! My computer is screwing up.” Tech guy asks, “What seems to be the problem?” Blondie says, “Every time I try to type in my password, all it shows is stars!” Tech guy says “Oh, that is perfectly normal. That is for security purposes.” Blondie says, “But there’s no one else in the room.”
- If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
Did you get ‘em all?
If you have anything better, let me hear them in the comments.