Tag Archives: stay positive

Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time

If you are not worn out from laughing at The 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time and 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time, let’s charge on to the last installment of this comedic trilogy, Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

Best One-Liners
Even the President Thinks These Are The Best One-Liners Of All Time
  1. I think it’s about time I told you what people say behind your back: “Nice ass!”

  2. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  3. She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

  4. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

  5. She was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg but broke it off.

  6. If I understood Morse Code, I imagine going to see tap dancing would drive me nuts.

  7. Have you ever heard of the 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% possibility you’ll get it wrong.

  8. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

  9. I let my mind wander and it never came back.

  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  11. Worry is the first time you can’t do it a second time; panic is the second time you can’t do it the first time.

  12. I went to buy some camouflage pants today, but I couldn’t find any.

  13. Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, we know it as golf.

  14. If a person told you they were a pathological liar . . . would you believe them?

  15. I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

  16. Do pilots take crash courses?

  17. Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

  18. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

  19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and threw away three weeks before you needed it.

  20. She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

  21. I’m not overweight, I’m under height.

    Best One-Liners

  22. I finally realized: I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.

  23. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

  24. If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

  25. I know a guy who was so narrow-minded he could see through keyholes with both eyes.

  26. Why do mice have such tiny balls? Because so few of them can dance.

  27. What are the most common last words of a redneck? “Hey, y’all, watch this!”

  28. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  29. Like most people my age, I’m 30.

  30. You’re exactly how old I was when I was your age.

  31. You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Tuesday nights – and so does she.

  32. I was reading this book today, “The History of Glue.” I couldn’t put it down.

  33. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

  34. I met my wife at a dance. It was so embarrassing! I thought she was home with the kids.

  35. My wife makes the budget work. We go without a lot of things I don’t really need.

  36. I’m not saying they are big, but in New Jersey, the mosquitos show up on radar.

  37. So, does a nude show have a dress rehearsal?

  38. A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

  39. I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

  40. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  41. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

  42. An archeologist is someone whose life is in ruins.

  43. Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

  44. According to my lawyer, a will is a dead giveaway.

  45. A calendar’s days are numbered.

  46. Am I ambivalent? Yes and no.

  47. I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.

  48. I bet you I could stop gambling.

  49. I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.

  50. I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time

I hope you have already read my 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

Well, according to the same study (that I made up), it turns out that there are actually 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time.

And here they are . . .

Best One-Liners

  1. How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.

  2. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

  3. I used to be indecisive. Now? I’m not so sure.

  4. Inside every senior citizen is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”

  5. Do Roman paramedics refer to I.V.s as “4’s?”

  6. “Doctor! Doctor! Help! I think I’m shrinking!” “Calm down, please. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

  7. I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

  8. Don’t join dangerous cults! Practice safe sects.

  9. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

  10. If you lend someone $50 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

  11. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

  12. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

  13. Boycott shampoo! Demand real poo!

  14. A conclusion is usually the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Best One-Liners

  15. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

  16. We live in a strange country. If you take off all your clothes and run down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will call the cops reporting: “There’s a naked person running around outside!”

  17. If a book about failure doesn’t sell, is it a success?

  18. There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

  19. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

  20. Two peanuts were walking in the park. One was a salted.

  21. Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

  22. “Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!” “Sit down . . . I’ll deal with you later.”

  23. Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!” “Pull yourself together.”

  24. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  25. Did you hear about the blonde that spent 20 minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said “concentrate.” She also thought a quarterback was a refund.

  26. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

  27. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  28. Life is sexually transmitted.

  29. My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  30. If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?

  31. Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship.

  32. Headline: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

  33. Is it a good thing if a vacuum really sucks?

  34. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

  35. Have you ever noticed that the shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.

  36. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather – peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.

  37. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  38. I’m planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  39. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

    Best One-Liners

  40. Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

  41. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

  42. They’ve discovered a food proven to reduce a woman’s sex drive y 90%. Wedding cake.

  43. I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to thrown in some cash.

  44. I used to think you were a pain in the neck, but now my opinion of you is much lower.

  45. What did Tarzan say to his wife? “Jane, it’s a jungle out there!”

  46. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

  47. Doctors are reporting that latex condoms cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

  48. Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.

  49. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

  50. “My sister is a waitress in a mental hospital.” “What does she do?” “She serves soup to nuts.”

    Still want more one-liners? Then don’t miss Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

The 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time

One of the best ways to stay positive, and be happier and even healthier, is to laugh — hard and often.

To get your started here are the 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time according to a study that I just made up for the purpose of this post.

Best One-Liners1. I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance. She pushed me over!

2. My inferiority complex isn’t as good as yours.

3. One morning my girlfriend asked me if I had slept well and I said no, I’d made a few mistakes.

4. “Doctor! Doctor! Sometimes I think I’m a tepee and some days I think I’m a wigwam!” “Relax. You’re two tents.”

5. If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

6. A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?”

7. My doctor told me I’m fat and I said I wanted a second opinion. Okay, he said, you’re ugly, too.

8. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom equipment. The chief was quoted as saying, “Unfortunately, we have nothing to go on.”

9. If the police arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

10. The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you wake up in the morning and it doesn’t stop until you get to the office.

11. My friend has kleptomania but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

12. Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

15. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last month, she bought 2 dresses and an escalator.

16. My wife was at the beauty salon for two hours . . . and that was just for the estimate

17. Middle age is when you’re faced with all kinds of temptations and you choose the one that gets you home by nine.

18. Middle age is when you can’t turn your television off or your wife on.

19. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Best One-Liners
20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

21. I love being married. It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

22. Women’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

23. I went to my high school reunion, but my friends were so old and wrinkled they didn’t even recognize me.

24. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?

25. I believe we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried, but they wanted cash.

26. It was so cold last winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

27. Never play strip poker with a nudist; they have nothing to lose.

28. I’m not saying I’m old, but my social security number is 4!

29. Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.

30. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some nice food. She goes on Tuesdays and I go Fridays.

31. When your gecko is broken, you have a reptile dysfunction.

32. Men marry women in the hope they won’t change. Women marry men in the hope they will change. Both are doomed to disappointment.

33. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

34. You know you’re having a bad day when your twin forgets your birthday.

35. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

36. My church welcomes all denominations: tens, twenties, fifties . . .

37. Some late-breaking election news! With six cemeteries still to be heard from, the election is too close to call.

38. To all virgins: thanks for nothing.

39. These days, the four basic food groups are: fresh, frozen, fast and junk.

40. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.” “Are you sure?” “Have I ever lied to you before?”

41. My mechanic told me he couldn’t repair my brakes, so we made my horn louder.

42. A dog has a master. A cat has a staff.

43. I’m a self-made man. I began with nothing and still have most of it.

44. I’m not a well person. Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

45. Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforseen events.

46. She must be older than she admits. She has a recipe for curds and whey.

47. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

48. I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones I’ve been getting lately.

49. Forget health food. I’m at the age when I need all the preservatives I can get.

50. My wife is such a bad cook that when we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

If you are in the mood for more one-liners, check out 50 More Best One-Liners Of All Time and Another 50 Best One-Liners Of All Time.

Are You Still A “Man” Man?

Hey, ManDo you remember when men, especially teenagers, used to add the word “man” every time they spoke to another male?

“What’s up, man?”

“You goin’ to the game, man?”

“Man, she is a stone fox.”

Or just, “Hey, man.”

Well, that was the generation into which I was born.

I wasn’t a serial-maner. I didn’t add it to every sentence. But I used “man” more than necessary.

Actually, it was never necessary.

It just added a touch of, well, coolness.

So, there I was, happily muddling through life as a “man” man.

But then it happened, some time in the ‘70’s.

Dude” appeared!

Dude!In the 1800s “dude” originally meant a fastidious male. Then, in the early 20th century, it came to mean a city person. “Dude ranches” appeared where city-slickers went to experience country or western living. Then, some time in the 1960s, stoners, surfers and skaters adopted the word and it took off as slang.

When it found its way into popular usage in the ‘70s, I had a decision to make.

Should I remain loyal to “man” or transition to “dude?” (Regrettably, finally growing up and eliminating all of these slang terms was not an option.)

Man, that was a tough decision, dude.

Actually, for me, it wasn’t a tough decision. For some reason, I transitioned smoothly to the world of “dude.”

“What’s up, dude?”

“You goin’ to the game, dude?”

“Dude, she is smokin’ hot.” (By this time, “fox” had faded.)

Or “Hey, dude.” Or just, “dude.”

I liked it. It felt good.

I especially liked that it became unisex. I could still call my dudes, “dude.” But I could also call chicks “dude.”

What a versatile word. I could use it no matter the age, sex, race, religion or national origin of the other person.

But I’m proud to say that, even though I liked “dude” very much, I never got carried away.

I never used terms like “His Dudeness,” “Duder” or “El Duderino.”

Maybe it’s because I liked “dude” so much that I never got into “bro.”

“Bro,” of course, is short for “brother” which I first encountered as a term of racial solidarity that came from the civil rights movement of the late 1960s.

Over time, others of all races co-opted brother or its shorter version, “bro.”

I blame Hulk Hogan for this.

He wasn’t the first white dude to use the term “brother,” but he was the most visible.

It just got worse from there.

I was never tempted to convert from “dude” to “bro.”

O.K., I admit that I thought “bromance” was clever. And “don’t taze me, bro” sounded pretty cool, too.

But the use of “bro” by white dudes always seemed wrong to me. It dishonored the racial pride tradition of “brother.”

Nope, not for me. I was never a “bro” man, dude.

But . . .

Even though its fairly early, I have high hopes for “dawg!

More Best Puns Of All Time!

More Best Puns Of All TimeI hope you have already read my Best Puns Of All Time!

Now, for your viewing pleasure, I bring you MORE Best Puns of All Time!

Oh, in case you are wondering. These are all “G” rated. There is no punography here!

    1. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

    2. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    3. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    4. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

    5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

    6. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    7. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

    8. Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

    9. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    10. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

    11. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    12. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    13. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    14. All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

    15. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    16. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    17. Velcro – what a rip off!

    18. Earthquake in Washington is obviously government’s fault.

    19. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

    20. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

    21. I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

    22. When chemists die, they barium.

    23. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    24. Broken pencils are pointless.

    25. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Best Jokes On The Internet: LMAO

Best Jokes On The Internet:  LMAOIf you don’t already know, LMAO is Internet slang for “laughing my ass off,” or perhaps “laugh my ass off.”

You are probably more familiar with LOL which stands for “laugh out loud.”

In the spirit of LMAO and LOL, here is a collection of The Best Jokes On The Internet . . .

The 25 Best “What Do You Call” Jokes

The Top 25 “What Do You Get” Jokes

The Top 25 “Confucius Say” Jokes

Best Elderly Senior Citizen Jokes Of All Time!

Birthday Cards: Who Needs Them?

Best Jokes On The Internet:  LMAOBest Puns Of All Time!

Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

For A Few Yuks, Consider These 10 Questions

If At First You Don’t Succeed . . .

Finally Revealed: What Women Really Mean

10 Questions I’ve Been Thinking About

Top 15 Ways To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity And Drive Other People Insane

Sex Is Funny

When you forward a link to this page to your friends (please do!), be sure to include LOL, LMAO or any of these other Internet slang terms involving laughing . . .

LHO – Laughing Head Off
LMSO – Laughing My Socks Off
LSHMBB – Laughing So Hard My Belly is Bouncing
LSHMBH – Laughing So Hard My Belly Hurts
LSHTTARDML – Laughing So Hard The Tears Are Running Down My Leg
LTS – Laughing To Self
LOFL – Laughing Out F***ing Loud

Best Jokes On The Internet:  LMAOOr . . .

FOCLOL – Falling Off Chair, Laughing Out Loud
FOCROFLOL – Falling Off Chair, Rolling On Floor, Laughing Out Loud
ROTFL – Rolling On The Floor Laughing
LMFAO – Laugh My F***ing Ass Off
ROTFLMFAO – Rolling On The Floor Laughing My F***ing Ass Off

Oh, if you still haven’t had enough after reading The Best Jokes On The Internet, fill out the short request on the right (under the arrow) and I will immediately send you the “Best 150 One-Liners Ever!” When I first read them, I was LMAO.

The Top 25 “Confucius Say . . .” Jokes

‘Confucius Say . . .’ jokes are clever one liners that have everything to do with fun but virtually nothing to do with the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius (often misspelled “Confucious”).

Best Confucius Say JokesIf there is any connection, it is that Conficius’ teachings tended to be in the form of short sayings, often no more than a sentence, which frequently had multiple meanings or interpretations.

Confucius Say jokes are a variation on Confucius’ style of teaching, except that the philosophy is replaced with humor, often sexual double entendre.

If you enjoy witty R-Rated word-play, read on.

    1. Confucius say . . .
    A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y’all.

    2. Confucius say . . .
    A Greek tampon is called “Abzorba the Leak.”

    3. Confucius say . . .
    Some Sex Is Good…More Is Better…Too Much Is Just About Right.

    4. Confucius say . . .
    A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.

    5. Confucius say . . .
    ArtifIcial Insemination is procreation without recreation.

    6. Confucius say . . .
    A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

    7. Confucius say . . .
    A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.

    8. Confucius say . . ..
    A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.

    9. Confucius say . . .
    The definition of a true genius is a nudist with a memory for faces.

    10. Confucius say . . .
    Butcher who back into meat-grinder get a little behind in his orders.

    11. Confucius say . . .
    Amish woman’s secret fantasy is two Mennonite.

    12. Confucius say . . ..
    Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.

    13. Confucius say . . .
    An Impotent Loser is one who can’t even get his hopes up.

    14. Confucius say…
    He who crosses the ocean twice without bathing is a dirty double crosser.

    15. Confucius say…
    Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

    16. Confucius say…
    Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

    17. Confucius say…
    Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

    18. Confucius say . . .
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…after a mediocre summer.

    19. Confucius say . . .
    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    20. Confucius Say…
    The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.

    21. Confucius say . . .
    Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

    22. Confucius say . . .
    12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.

    23. Confucius say . . .
    The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.

    24. Confucius say . . .
    The useless skin around a penis is called “a man.”

    25. Confucius say . . .
    Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

The Best Way To Stop Procrastination

Procrastination is a universal problem. It exists in all countries and cultures. And it always has. All of us procrastinate, and for some of us (according to experts, about 1 in 5) it is a persistent and disruptive habit.

So, what is the best way to stop procrastination?

What Is Procrastination

How To Stop ProcrastinatingAccording to Napoleon Hill, “Procrastination is the bad habit of putting of until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday.”

Procrastination is avoiding doing things that need to be done. When we procrastinate, we delay action on an essential task.

The Best Way To Stop Procrastination

I don’t know if it’s “the best” way to stop procrastination, but I have an insight that has helped me dramatically slash my procrastination and increase my productivity.

My secret procrastination-buster is the way I think about time.

Let me explain.

My attitude is that time is my most valuable possession, worth far more than any material thing I own. With it, I have a chance to accomplish great things. Without it, I cannot accomplish anything.

But time is a depleting asset. Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.

Therefore, there is simply no reason or excuse for wasting this most precious asset.

How we choose to use our time defines our life. If we waste our time, or use it unwisely, we waste our life. At the very least, we slow our progress toward our goals and dreams.

How To Stop ProcrastinationTo achieve our maximum potential, we have to treasure every moment.

Because I value my time so highly, I’ve gotten to the point that when I put off doing the essential things I must do to accomplish my goals, I feel it in my gut. It’s physically painful.

On the other hand, acting promptly on important tasks — even when I don’t want to — means that I accomplish more goals, and accomplish them faster. And that feels great.

Admittedly, I haven’t always felt this way about time.

When I was younger, I held the illusion that I had unlimited time. I felt that if I didn’t get something done today, there was always mañana. As a result, too much was put off, delayed.

When I changed my attitude about time, procrastination disappeared and my accomplishments exploded. Now that I treasure every moment, I get more important things done and achieve far more.

Here’s what I have learned: When we master our time, we master our life.

Adopt this mindset and procrastination will become something you just don’t have time for.